Addiction of Mind Games

The past few days I’ve been a victim of the mind games of duality.

It was hectic and chaos.

The mind tempted me with emotional games.

When I finally came out of it I realised how similar it was to when I did a FOUR DAY FAST. During the fast the mind and the body worked together against my agenda. I would have random thoughts – even silent ones in the back of my mind that I barely noticed – that would prompt me to act towards eating.

It took much resilience and viligance to remain aware of the goal of FASTING, and not to act on the thoughts. Gah. What a challenge that was.

Recently I made the decision to sit in meditation for a few weeks. Well, the mind games were atrocious! Trying to distract me from even this simple pleasure of spiritual development.

At one stage I was tempted by my current situation with all the bells and whistles of positive emotions it offers. “Look at that guy,” it would say to me, “doesn’t he make you happy”. AND “That friend is super nice. Wouldn’t you miss her.”

AND then it got more dedicated with catastrophic thoughts such as, “What if the world ended and you’d never see these people again?” or “What if you died on the way there?”

It kept coming and coming at me from all angles you can think of. Went like this for a couple of weeks.

AND THEN, it threw at me my addictions of the romantic feeling. Doesn’t that feeling of romance make you feel good?

“Hey”, the ego said, “He might be coming back for you now. What if you’re gone when he gets here?” AND another guy, “He betrayed you again. He doesn’t respect you yet. You better make him respect you.”

To be truthful… that last one caught me hook and sinker.

I was also thrown into the emotional Mind Games of the past patterns in which I became addicted to the story. Through this emotional stage I remained awake at night ruminating about the same old patterns I had in previous years,

“WHY ME”,

“I’ve possibly been betrayed, and what if I had been”.

“POOR ME.”

“Why am I not good enough.”

Whoah!

Imagine for a moment what it would be like to cycle through those thoughts for hours upons hours and days upon days. It was eating me up!

AND, the funny thing is is that I was enjoying the addiction. It gave me this ongoing adrenaline rush and my heart was beating fast.

Tibetan Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, cherishes the practice of non-attachment. If you’ve been reading my blog regularly you would be familiar with my constant struggle with this practice. I find myself attached to my possessions with difficulties of getting rid of stuff, and here I’m writing about my attachment, or even addiction, to the mind games of duality… and the reason WHY I’m writing a blog is because I’m attached to my experiences – whether they be in personal development or spiritual development – and blogging helps me hold onto these. I’m attached to my own spiritual development. Gah. Attachments.

IF I could grasp the practice of non-attachment wholly and completely I would live life with peace and serenity – free flow if you like.

This world, our bodies, our possessions, our thoughts – every aspect of our beingness either in physical or spiritual form – is every changing. Trying to hold on to anything gives us grief, expections and heartache.

So, when I realised that here I was – once again – in the old patterns of MIND GAMES – I sat in meditation, walked in meditation and took some deep breaths. THEN, and only then, I sank into the INNER SELF in which I felt whole and complete.

THEN, and only then did peace and serenity, happiness, joy and the feeling of love – SELF LOVE – return.

Phew.

What a relief.